sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
