her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
