Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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