I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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