can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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