Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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