update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
