Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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