you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
