great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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