The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
