I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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