I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
