Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
