Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
