He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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