I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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