you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
