i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
