THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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