girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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