Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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