Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
