i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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