just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
