Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
