I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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