remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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