Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
