Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
