Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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