bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
