Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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