I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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