Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
