well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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