I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
