I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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