I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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