Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
