Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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