Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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