my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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