i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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