Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
