Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
