Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
