Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
