I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
