i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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