the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
