check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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