i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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