I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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