I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
