dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you made out with another girl for some wings
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
