I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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