Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
