Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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