i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
