I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
