It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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