he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
