dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
